Happy Halloween!

How Do You Make God Laugh?

When I was pregnant, I decided I was going to use my maternity leave to get fit.

REALITY: My workouts consist of walking the dog, pushing a stroller and lots of reps of lifting a 14+ pound weight that is my daughter. I'm sure my cardio will increase once she's crawling and walking. I'm counting on that.

I was going to cook fresh, wholesome, organic food from scratch.

REALITY: Well, I have frozen fish & chips in the oven right now. Last night, frozen meat pies, the night before, Subway. Lather, rinse, repeat. Our pizza delivery guy's name is Assim.

I was going to dedicate one day a week to dress sexy for Subversive Dad.

REALITY: I hope he finds yoga pants, spit up stained nursing tops and hairy legs sexy, because that's as good as it's going to get for a while.

I was going to volunteer for various community services while wearing Zuul.

REALITY: Apparently, pouring hot soup while baby wearing is pretty dangerous and frowned upon heavily. And it's really hard to mentor youth when you can't hear each other speak over screaming infant. Not like I can say anything deep and inspirational with three hours sleep anyway, so it's just as well.

I was going to pad the income by starting a pet sitting business.

REALITY: It's scary enough to walk my own dog when I have the baby, as she has moments of losing her fucking mind with excitement if she spots a friend. As for my cat, she's completely given up on me for pretty much anything and is now 100% daddy's cat. Taking care of other peoples pets is no longer feasible.

With the extra income I would have made pet sitting, I was going to redecorate my home repurposing and upcycling second hand furniture.

REALITY: I'm lucky if Zuul lets me do a load of laundry most days. Redecorating? FFFFUUUUU NATE BURKUS!!!

The Breastmilk Militia is Coming for YOU!

A friend of mine sent me a text from school to tell me about a poster she saw that said,

"Breastfeeding is the Responsible Choice"

That's right. RESPONSIBLE!!! Strong word.

I actually envision the poster to be more like this.

Full disclosure; I breastfeed. I love breastfeeding. Zuul loves breastfeeding. Subversive Dad loves that it costs nothing to feed our child right now. And, believe it or not, I do advocate breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding is hard, yo, but, once one gets the hang of it and if all goes well, it's the shiznit.

But somethings been really, really bothering me about the campaign for breastfeeding. It's pretty militant. You are either for or against. There is no middle ground and, FSM forbid you have supply problems --- because breastfeeding is a RESPONSIBILITY!!! Correct me if I'm wrong, I thought feeding the baby by any means necessary was the responsibility. Apparently, I'm wrong.

My brother could have died if fate didn't intervene. My Aunt, a nurse, was visiting from Mexico. She took one look at him and told my mom "this kid ain't right." Turned out he was one of the very odd babies that are allergic to breast milk and had to take formula. Yes. Evil formula. How irresponsible of our mother. She should have let him starve.

I brought this neat little anecdote up in breastfeeding class and I swear the nurse conducting the seminar was going to run over and slap me for even bringing that up. She had to admit this does happen, ALTHOUGH RARE, but breast is best, breast is best, breast is best. Lets not talk about the warning signs that might indicate baby's reacting badly to mom's milk. That would ruin everything. It must! It must! It must come from the bust!

Then I had Zuul and my boobs just weren't keeping up to her demands. Turns out moms that have c-sections are slow to produce. I might have known that if I read up more on c-sections, but I was bent on not having one. Well, shit happened (literally) and I had an emergency one. That topped with an inability to sleep or stomach hospital food tapped me out. But lord knows I tried. I was beyond exhausted and my nipples were raw, but Zuul was losing weight and becoming jaundiced. The hospital lactation consultant forced the nurses to move me into a private room for proper rest and my ob/gyn said "breast is best, but there is nothing wrong with topping off with a little formula until your supply comes in." But the nurses that did not hear that conversation were sure quick to make me feel shitty for asking for formula. They made me feel like a failure and a nuisance. Excuse me if the well being of my child trumps the La Leche demands. My milk finally came in full tilt about 4 days after I got home and Zuul hasn't had a sip of formula since, but I do not regret my decision to top up and I always have a back up container, just in case.

We are blessed here in Canada with universal medicare. BC's comes with the perk of public health offices and a nurse at my beacon call 24/7. They do have signs posted around the office stating that they advocate breastfeeding and do not provide promotional formula samples. Fair enough. I'm happy they've been there to answer our questions and coach all of us new moms in the area on the right way to do it all and make sure our babies are healthy. One of my neighbours had a bad experience with them though. See, she's paralysed from the chest down. She also really wanted to breastfeed, but was unable to produce at all. Broken hearted, she had to switch to formula. Baby's gotta eat! She called our public health office to find out exactly how much formula she should be feeding her little one. A simple question worthy of a simple answer, right? The answer she got? "I'm sorry, we don't advocate formula feeding so we cannot provide you with that information." She explained her predicament and they still wouldn't budge from their stance. I raged for her when she told me her story. That tale and some really stupid misinformation I got about infants and swimming lessons, I'm done with them for anything outside vaccinations and weighing.

Advocate breastfeeding. Support mothers who do nurse anywhere they choose, with or without a shawl for privacy. Baby's gotta eat and it is a beautiful thing. But if we want to campaign breastfeeding as a positive, we have to stop being dictators about it. It's still a choice and, for many, it's not a choice. Just like it's nobodies business where you breastfeed your child or for how long you do it, it's none of your business if somebody formula feeds. It's time everybody started showing a little compassion and empathy and stop being such judgemental jerks on the subject. Making sure our children are fed, clothed, sheltered and loved is responsibility enough.

Three Cheers for Striking Mom? Discuss!

Fellow Canuckistani blogger, Striking Momis all over tv today for documenting what happens when a neat freak mom loses it and goes on strike, making the entire household live in filth to prove a nasty point. That's right. She purposely fucked her habitat and invited the world to see in an effort to shame her kids into cleaning... and it worked.

I was a terrible slob as a kid. A procrastinator, I have slob moments still. The best my mom did to try and get me to clean my room was muppet flail and tell me she saw a snake in there. One of her best performances, but an epic fail as I actually like snakes. All that motivated me to do was build a terrarium and move a few things around in hopes to find my new slithery friend. She could have paid better attention to my phobias and told me she saw spiders in there instead, but chances are I would have either moved out or committed arson rather than clean. Of course, this was before the internet. Zuul only being 5 months old, the verdict is out on how I'll handle her if the fruit flies don't fly far from the tree.

So, two questions.

1) Do you agree with publicly shaming your children?

and

2) How do you motivate your kids to do their chores, or, if yours is still too wee for chores like mine, best memory of how your parents handled your teenage slobbiness?

And, to prove my love for all things reptilian, here's a pic of me and my old friend, Jade. If you look close enough, you can see the dust glued to the fan in the background.

Halftone Humiliation

What Nobody Tells You About Sleep Through the Night

Zuul's finally at that age that every new parent longs for.  She's starting to sleep through most of the night.

You would think this means everybody gets to sleep through the night, however...

A few hours later, you wake up for a different reason...

And you end up waking the baby because, if you don't, your breasts will explode.

Nobody wins.  

The end.