About a dog.

As a geeky fan girl of author Neil Gaiman, I've been heartbroken for him and his family upon learning about the death of his dog, Cabal. Like Mr. Gaiman, I too have a big white dog that looks an awful lot like Cabal, so, yes, I may be projecting a wee bit. However, I do feel like I know this dog because, well, I'm a fan girl who follows all Neil Gaiman's blogs and has collected many of his books since I was 17. Cabal has been read about often and, like many of his characters, has found a place in my fan girl heart.

I'm not ashamed to say that I love my dog like I gave birth to her myself (although I'm glad I didn't. She's from a litter of twelve and her mom's belly was a saggy mess like that Kate Plus 8 chick pre-surgery. Do not ever want.). Unlike Neil Gaiman, my dog didn't teach me how to love (I owe a Prairie Dog that credit), she did teach me how to be a parent. If it wasn't for SubversiveDog, there wouldn't be a Zuul. Calm down, National Enquirer. Of course, Subversive Dad played a major part, and Zuul is not part canine, but it wasn't him that convinced me it was time to become a mom, it was Ghost (not Subversive Dog's real name).

"Ghost" and I the day we brought her home.

We brought Ghost home when she was 10 weeks old. We knew we wanted a German Shepherd, and fully intended to rescue one from a shelter (which I strongly advocate, despite). However, researching the breed, Subversive Dad learnt about White German Shepherds and told me about them. "Wouldn't that be cool?", he asked. "Duuuuuuude." was probably my answer, which is West Coast Geek Girl for "Hell yeah!". The next day at work was a slow one, so I google "White German Shepherd" and fate intervened. A breeder not too far outside town had a litter about ready to go to new homes. We're responsible, made sure this wasn't some shady puppy mill, met the litter and the breeder twice and came home with Ghost. The breeder cried. Puppy mill owners don't cry when a pup leaves, unless it's tears of joy when counting their wad of I'll gotten cash. I'm a good judge of character and this was a woman that let herself get attached, and who could blame her.

Puppyhood, like infancy, is overwhelming. We had our share of sleepless nights, of health scares, of boo boos and behavioural challenges (some we're still working through.). My life forever changed as, like any new parent, my mornings were for the dog, then I'd rush home to spend my evening with the dog and my weekends were also devoted to the dog and quite happily, I might add. Our vacations include Ghost. I protect her and she protects me. And while I know our time with her will be brief, as it is with most any pet, save a tortoise or a parrot, we don't talk about that. It's been decided that 'that' can't happen, as unrealistic as we may be. I have been refusing to see Ghost as mortal as the reality is unbearable.

Then it dawned on me. Subversive Dad and I are great pet parents. We would be great people parents too. I was quite content living my child free by choice lifestyle, but Ghost filled a void I didn't know I had, and she opened my eyes to the fact that there was another void that needed attention, and quickly, seeing I was in my late 30's. It was time for Ghost to become a big sister, Subversive Dad agreed, and Zuul entered our life the very next year.

"Ghost" babysitting "Zuul".

Today, I'm contending with the same challenges most new parents with dogs have and that is I'm filled with guilt that I just don't have the time I used to have for Ghost as Zuul takes up most of it. I wonder how other parents juggle older children and a baby because I'm finding it incredibly difficult giving myself to my baby, my partner and my fur children. So that's probably why Neil Gaiman's painful account of not being able to be there for Cabal at the end is hitting me so hard in the feels.

So, Ghost is getting some extra snuggles, as I try and make up for 8 months of mediocrity. She's still my dog, my sidekick, my bff, my heart, my hero and my pride, even though I have been a little distracted lately with a new pack member and, dare I say, more easily frustrated with her anxious dog shenanigans. Despite her separation anxiety, her refusal to listen to me at times or to leave our cat alone, I love her so much and she is such an important part of who I am as a person and as a mother.

And, on the obscure to nil chance that Mr.Gaiman and his family were to read my internet unfamous blog, I know there are no words of condolence anyone can say right now, especial random strangers. I Just want to thank you for sharing Cabal's life with all of us. He certainly was one of the best and I feel lucky to have known him through your words and pictures.

"Ghost" and I, on vacation in Pacific Rim Park.