Well, Crap. That Ferber Guy Was Onto Something.

Baby sleep training achievement unlocked!

Gained normality points and spent them with my wee family downtown. The naps were compromised, but we were rewarded with zombie messiah day purchases of a Fraggle and a Dr. Suess book for Zuul, essential oil and day of the dead socks for me, and Mexican food (or as I like to call it, "comida") for all three of us.

So here are the boring details.

I gave it a full two weeks. Towards the end of week one, I started having doubts, so I tweaked a couple of things.

For one, like many normal children, she protests her naps, even though she is clearly tired. I can't blame her. It's daylight and there's living to be done! We'll sleep when we're dead, I always used to say. However, I need to get shit done and start feeling useful again. So, down she goes, twice a day. Often, she only cries for a few seconds then falls asleep. Other times, she plays, cries for a minute, then goes to sleep. I get anywhere from 45 minutes to two hours to myself twice a day to shower, do chores and have some me time.

At night, I changed the routine to nurse her before story time. The biggest reward is we get to look in each others eyes when I sing her a lullaby and watch her smile. The last three nights in a row she doesn't even let out a peep when I put her in her crib. She just rolls over and dozes off.

The others modification I made is with night nursing. We are down to one midnight feed, if she asks for it, five hours after her bedtime feed. So, if she fusses before 1:30ish in the morning, we do the 20-25-30 minute waits before we attend to her. The longest she's complained for has been 19 minutes before she just goes back to sleep. But if it's been more than 5 hours, fuck Ferber. I just get up and feed her then pluck her back in the crib. We're often not up for more than 10 minutes. She might start stirring at 4:30 a.m., but the last three mornings, I haven't heard a peep from her until around 6:30 a.m. or later. It's been glorious.

Oh! And Subversive Dad even put her to bed once and that didn't freak her out at all!

The sad modification I had to make, however, was kicking our dog out of the bedroom at night. While we were going through the first few cry it out days, Ghost would go to her. It's no surprise, I guess, that dogs don't understand or respect Ferber's methods. As cute as it was to see my beloved canine try and console our baby, it just overstimulated Zuul, making matters worse. On the plus side, I feel like a celebrity with a bodyguard out front my door each time I get up for a pee.

Aside from sleep, the other results are overwhelming. It may or may not be coincidental, but as soon as she started getting the right amount of sleep for her age, the milestones are being hit like rapid fire. She now chases Subversive Cat and her cousins around crawling, started clapping, cruising while holding onto things, waving hello and goodbye, high fiving, and mimicking. We're not saying any first words yet, but she understands phrases like "Where's mama, daddy, grandma, grandpa?", "Come to mama." and "Can I Have a kiss?".

So, I happily eat humble pie, Dr. Ferber. Now I'm looking forward to my first real date night. If only my laziness about pumping didn't supersede that.

Sleep Training Captain's Log: Chapter Two

Stardate -309798.22523465235

While the morning nap was a success, with only a minor stirring 38 minutes after Zuul went down (then fast asleep again for a whole hour), the afternoon nap attempt was a complete failure.

She didn't seem tired at 2, our regular p.m. nap time, so I nursed her at 2:30 p.m. and put Zuul in her crib, awake, at 2:45 p.m..  For a second, I thought I may have won, as she rolled over, but stayed laying down as I walked out the bedroom.  But, about 5 minutes later, the tears started.  So, after 3 minutes of crying, I went in, stayed two minutes and left.  There was no consoling her in those two minutes.

The tears continued off and on, but, after 5 minutes straight of bawling, I went in.  It stank as soon as I opened the door. 

I couldn't remember what the book said about diaper changes, but I couldn't imagine a full and stinky one could be very comfortable, so I changed her.  When I put her down again, she broke my heart into a million pieces.  She curled into a foetal position, her face and cry clearly had "Why are you doing this?  I don't understand." all over it. 

Fuck you, Ferber.  Fuck you.  What you ask is too much for a mother to bear.  It is completely unnatural to ask us to leave our babies in that state.  However, I did it.  I left her, confused and broken, at risk she'll hate me forever, growing up to become a shattered and insecure shell of a human being.

It's clear by now that she's onto me.  The crying continued, stubbornly, for 10 minutes, but there was fatigue in her cries.  I tiptoed quietly to her room, creeped open the door, and, sure enough, she was lying down, eyes closed, transitioning from crying to sobbing.  I don't say a peep, move a muscle, even breath.  She's going to fall asleep!

And that's when the dog decided to slam open the door, shoving me in the process and plop down into her bed.  The gig is up.  The noise made Zuul open her eyes, the sobs turned back into red faced howls and she pulled herself up to standing.

I picked her up and snuggled with her in the glider.  Mother consoling child and vice versa.

Onwards to a miserable evening and the true night time test at 8.

Sleep Training Captains Log, Chapter One

Stardate -309798.87576103513

Today is the day I cave and try Ferber's "controversial" (yet ever so popular) sleep training technique per his updated book "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems".

Ferber is one person I decided had to be the meanest "expert" on earth.  Like many, and before Zuul was even a glimmer in my eye, my opinion didn't come from reading his literature, attending his seminars or talking to other parents that tried his technique; no.   It came from the one time I watched "Meet the Fockers".  I had made up my mind I would never, ever be so cruel to ferberize my child. 

Weary, and desperate for a date night, here I am. 

I have to admit, for all my earlier convictions, a small part of me is hoping the Ferber method fails so I can feel right about my early parenting decisions.  Of course, my desire to get at least 8 hours of sleep myself and for Zuul to start getting the proper amount of sleep she needs trumps the need to be right.  I'm not that petty.  Ok, maybe just a little petty.  Juste un petit peu.

We're starting with the 3-5-10 minute waits between cries today, and I've also got the double whammy of trying to get her to disassociate booby time with falling asleep.  Per grandpa's sage advice, but against Ferber's, I'm starting it at her first nap.  The hope, if you can call it that, is that, if she doesn't fall asleep during her naps, by bedtime she'll be so tired that she'll sleep through most of the night.  Sound's good.  WHAT COULD GO WRONG?!?!

It started as expected.  I went in for my first two-minute visit to her after 3 minutes of crying, and I listened to her cry herself hoarse.  "Please don't puke." is now my mantra.

I already heard grandma asking what's going on and grandpa upstairs saying "she's sleep training".  "Oh.", grandma says compassionately.

At least they've got my back.  I know others that are in similar endlessly temporary living situations have not been so lucky with their in-laws.

I just get back to the den from my second visit at the 5 minute mark and they both come down to visit me. While the heavy crying (Oh, mighty Thor, please don't let her puke.) is killing me, they are keeping me distracted by telling me their war stories.  I explain my plan to just go get her if she's still screaming at 10:16 a.m., which would mark the 10 minute wait and the 1/2 hour limit to trying to get her down for naps (another Ferber thing).  By 10:12 a.m., she has stopped  crying and is catching her breath.  By 10:25 a.m., silence.  I dare not go in to see if she's really sleeping or if she's managed an escape out the window.  For a 10 month old  who's not walking and just grasping standing while holding onto things, this would be an amazing accomplishment, so I'm going with sleeping.

Could I be so lucky?

Sunday Confessional

I caved. I bought a parenting book.

Let's put it this way. Guess who lost all her fucks to give along with sleep last night?

If you guessed this blogger and company, you are correct.

Coincidence? Nope. Needless to say, nose deep in THAT sleep training book today. Didn't want to go Ferber with Zuul, but, suddenly, he seems like my Obi-wan.

Goodbye, instinctive, baby led parenting pride!